Sorry I haven’t been on here for a really long time. Life is busy and to be honest…I think I let myself get caught up in feelings of inferiority. Who am I to discuss how we should live when I am so full of ugliness myself?
But then I remembered that that isn’t why I started this blog. I started this blog to share my heart and what I believe God is telling me to do on this journey. I started this blog to share my imperfections and to let others out there know that they aren’t alone in their struggles.
I came back on here ready to talk about my struggle with trust and realized that was the same exact post I wrote last time…way back in April (Yep, it’s been that long.)
My lack of trust has gotten the best of me right now and is leading me down a road I am really not enjoying at all. A road of sleepless nights and tearful, anxiety, stress filled days. I wish I could just get over it. Just find a comfortable spot in God’s arms to rest and trust that everything will be okay. But one question keeps robbing me from entering into his peace…
“What if it’s not okay?”
I sit here looking at my circumstances…Though, I wanted to be selfish, I extended a gift to a friend. In so extending this gift I have had to put something I value above anything else in this world out to dangle on a precipice. I offered this gift trying to be selfless but praying that God would provide a lamb for my sacrifice as he did for Jacob with his son Isaac. A lamb did not come to my aid. Instead this most important thing I value is still there dangling in the unknown and I worry, that by extending a gift to my friend, it will crash and break.
I know that we are supposed to trust God, but why is it so hard for me? I truly think it’s because I like to have control and I like to have all the answers. I do not have any control over this situation and I worry that I will live to regret my act of selflessness.
How does one learn to trust God? I don’t know. I wish I did, but I don’t. But I do have hope that he will not let me down and that my life will get better because of this cross that is currently hard to bear.
Tonight as I looked up verses on hope I came across Luke 18:35-43. This is the story about the blind man who was healed by Jesus. No, I am not physically blind. But I do want to have spiritual sight. I want my eyes to be opened to the things of God and God wants me to trust in him. So I prayed tonight like the blind man did. I said, “God I want to see. I want to see your hand in this and I want to see the good in this. I don’t want to hurt and fear the worst. I want to trust in you and believe for the best. God, help me to see you and your plan.”
And just as he said to the blind man, he said to me,
“Receive your sight, your faith has made you well.”
I wish I could say that I immediately had spiritual insight into this and that everything was well, but that is not what happened. But I walked away with a little more hope, and I know that each day God will help me to walk this path. Each day he will strengthen me and each day he will renew me. He will help me to trust and not be afraid.